Friday, January 25, 2008

Celebrity Apprentice: Episode Four

This is getting really frustrating. I was sure the women would win this week. They seemed to have everything going for them: Marilu Henner and her Broadway connections, four great shows to promote, and a snazzy booth festooned with hats, shirts and posters. David Hyde Pierce, the star of Curtains, even showed up to help out. But, as guest judge Vince McMahon pointed out, the women simply got out-barked by the men.

Hydra got off to a rocky start. Unlike the enthusiastic Henner, Vincent Pastore seemed hesitant to step up as project manager. As usual, Piers Morgan and Stephen Baldwin spent a good part of the planning session bickering like bratty kids. I have a feeling the Baldwin brothers were a pretty combative bunch. 

Henner immediately called a Broadway friend to find out which of the eight shows up for grabs were the hottest, but the men seemed to be flying blind. They didn't inspire much confidence during the "negotiation" session either. I couldn't really tell what was going on there. Pastore said the women could pick two plays, then reneged on the offer. The rest of the negotiation seemed to consist of Omarosa whispering in Henner's ear while Pastore and Lewis complained about them being too slow. Then Omarosa simply picked the shows she wanted and everyone ran out of the room. 

Besides Spamalot, I'm not even sure what plays they were promoting. While the ladies were rounding up swag to decorate their ticket booth, Morgan and Baldwin continued to squabble back in the war room, with Morgan referring to his on-again, off-again nemesis as a "shallow little man." I can't tell if these two love each other or hate each other. 

Either way, they certainly made up for their bad behavior once they hit the streets. I hate to admit it, but Morgan did a great job attracting customers even though he's not a real celebrity. He deserves credit for donning the ridiculous King Arthur costume and for calling Richard Branson for a donation. Baldwin, meanwhile, is a natural with a bullhorn. These two fools definitely make a good sales team. I also loved Pastore's speech about his Sopranos-style management philosophy. His "bada bing, bada boom" leadership style wasn't exactly nuanced, but it seemed to work. 

Even though Morgan can be annoying, I'd take him over Nelly Galan any day. She really grates on my nerves, with her high-pitched squealing, her scratchy voice and her insistence that she's a star. That said, she did redeem herself by raking in quite a bit of cash from her high-powered friends. She also made an interesting point when she said that women are more hesitant than men when it comes to asking people for money. It's a good thing she resisted that instinct this time around, or the women would have been in even deeper trouble.

The same can't be said for Carol Alt or Jennie Finch. I'm tired of hearing those two whine about being relegated to menial tasks. Finch should have put on her softball uniform and grabbed a bullhorn. I'm sure that would have drummed up some attention. As for Alt, she's more likely to be noticed on the street than faux celeb Omarosa, yet she agreed to be the "accountant." Lame. 

Still, I was convinced that Empresario had a leg up, so I was surprised when the final results were announced in the boardroom: The ladies lost by a slim margin of less than $1,300 bucks. If only Galan's friends hadn't gotten stuck in traffic, Empresario might have won at last. Instead, it was back to the boardroom. I felt bad for poor Henner, though I do agree with McMahon that she didn't make the most of David Hyde Pierce and the other celebrities during the task. As Baldwin aptly noted, generating sales volume of regular-priced tickets was just as important as reeling in big spenders.

Not surprisingly, the ladies didn't take the news well. Henner immediately blamed the loss on the fact that the men have more star power, and Omarosa made that catty remark about Morgan being dressed up like a clown. I loved how indignant Morgan was, insisting that King Arthur was not a clown. I guess Omarosa doesn't realize how much the Brits love their royals. Besides, Hydra's willingness to embarrass themselves and pull out all the stops is what makes them winners. From the beginning, Omarosa has insisted on playing down the celebrity angle. Obviously that strategy is not working.

Despite Henner's shortcomings as project manager, she's still one of the strongest women on the team. Galan was wrong to suggest that Henner should be fired, but she did get it right when she said that there are too many good "workers" on the women's team, and not enough leaders. Finch's argument that Empresario didn't have room for any more strong voices was weak. A good leader knows when to step up and when to let other people take charge. Finch has never taken the lead on anything. Alt isn't much better, but I think it's part of her strategy. I agreed with Omarosa's take that the former supermodel seems to be deliberately flying under the radar. 

In the end, Henner made the right choice by bringing Finch and Alt back to the boardroom for the final showdown. I'm not sure exactly how long that scene actually lasted, but I'm glad the Donald made Finch's firing short and painless. It's obvious that she's not suited for the cutthroat competition on the show. I thought the Donald was pretty sweet to say that he wanted Jenny to remain unsullied by corporate life. Perhaps having a baby has softened Trump, or maybe he's just nicer to celebrities.

In a way, I miss the meaner Trump. This episode wasn't as entertaining as others, perhaps due to Gene Simmons' absence. But there were a few great moments, including Pastore's touching defense of Morgan in the boardroom and his speech about his cancer charity, when Lennox Lewis declared that Henner was "going to need a drink" after the boardroom showdown, and when Alt told Omarosa, "I don't care what Eleanor Roosevelt said!" Blasphemer!

Hopefully the Donald takes mercy on the women soon and mixes up the teams a bit. I can't deal with a fifth pummeling. I keep waiting for the men to self-destruct, but they always seem to recover from their petty squabbles. However, it looks like things are going to get particularly ugly between Pastore and Morgan in the next episode. Also, the teaser promised some kind of huge "celebrity scandal." I wonder what that's all about? I guess we'll find out next week.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Celebrity Apprentice: Episode Three

I have to admit I thought Gene was going to pull it off again last night. Even though he's a jerk, he is pretty beguiling. I love how he tells everyone--even oldish executive men--that they're "intelligent and attractive." When the Donald asked him to lead the women's team last night, I was sure they would win. 

With the exception of Omarosa, the women seemed confident as well. It was creepy how they all agreed with everything Simmons said, even when he told them he was leading a "benevolent dictatorship." Carol Alt just sat next to him smiling. Omarosa was clearly annoyed by that, but she kept quiet. Is she losing her edge? Or did she merely fall victim to Simmons the Svengali? 

Once again, Simmons refused to meet with any executives. He clearly looks down on the corporate world and the people who inhabit it. His second mistake was sending Galan to the meeting. I can see why those two get along so well: They both think they're the smartest people in the room. The execs seemed shocked when Galan told them she didn't even know Kodak makes printers. You'd think she would have done some basic research before the meeting. Then, instead of listening to the Kodak executives, Galan talked over them.  The result? She missed the point of the task entirely. As the men figured out, promoting Kodak's new ink, not its printers, was the goal. Piers Morgan deserves credit for figuring that out during the meeting. Sure, Simmons slogan, "It's a Kodak World: Welcome," sounds good, but what the heck does it mean?

Despite being off-message, Empresario seemed to be in better shape than Hydra throughout most of the episode. Things went off the rails quickly for Hydra after the meeting with the Kodak executives, starting with Stephen Baldwin's nonsensical acronym-laced rant in the "war room." The cheesy photo shoot featuring Lewis and Ortiz snuggling with a printer on the conference room table was also worrisome. But, of course, the biggest disaster of all was when the table tipped over, knocking a cup of coffee onto the laptop where all the promotional artwork was saved. Oops. Morgan blamed the whole debacle on Baldwin, but a quick review shows that the table actually lurched when Ortiz and Lewis tried to climb off it at the same time. But the damage was done. Kudos to Trace Adkins for trying to calm down his teammates, telling them to stop running around and freaking out. He's a nice foil for the high-strung, pessimistic Morgan.

Needless to say, Hydra's presentation was amateurish at best. The "ink revolution" message was great, but the signs looked tacky and at least one was falling down! I agree with Jim Cramer's assessment that the AirStream trailer looked more like a dumpster. Empresario's presentation, on the other hand, was fabulous, from the sleek signage to the red carpet to the life-size cardboard cut-outs of Simmons and his crew. As Omarosa pointed out, Simmons is a charming and convincing salesperson. He's almost as convincing as Tom Cruise in his Scientology indoctrination video. I thought Empresario was destined to win.

I'm glad they didn't. Sure, Gene Simmons is a fascinating character. He wears sunglasses at night, after all. But, like Nadia Comaneci, he was practically begging to be fired. Either he was sick of being on the show and wanted to get the boot, or he's actually delusional enough to think that the Donald would choose him over Omarosa and Jennie Finch, neither of whom contributed directly to the loss. Galan had much more cause to be fired--or at least hauled back in for the final showdown. I guess all that time she spent letting Simmons tickle her paid off. 

The final showdown was pretty lame, since we already knew what was going to happen. The best part was Jim Cramer's impassioned performance. I'm not a huge Cramer fan, and his stock picks leave a lot to be desired, but I love how he told the Donald that Gene's decision to bring back Omarosa and Finch was "frankly...insolence to you Mr. Trump." After the final showdown, Cramer looked like he was about to cry, saying, "I can't believe what I just saw." 

Other highlights of this week's episode: When Carol Alt told Nelly Gupta to "sniff 'em in" when she was crying. I'm totally using that. Alec Baldwin's brilliant cameo, during which he said that "there's no one more full of crap than Stephen" and that he was so excited about Kodak's low-cost ink that he needed to sit down. Piers Morgan's mean, but true, comparison of Stephen and Alec Baldwin. Ortiz's shiny pinstripe suit. The green room commentary by the winning team. And Trump's mute assistant who sits outside the boardroom. Apparently, NBC doesn't feel like paying her to say, "Mr. Trump is ready to see you now."

To be sure, the show won't be as interesting without Mr. Simmons. I'll especially miss trying to figure out who has the more fascinating hair style: Gene or the Donald? At least we still have Carol's flowing locks to admire. But other characters have taken an interesting turn. At first, Morgan seemed completely useless, but he was largely responsible for last night's win. Meanwhile, Galan, who looks good on paper, doesn't seem to have a clue. If the ladies lose again next week, she's first in line to get canned. I'm curious to see if Galan and Alt have a showdown at some point. So far, the ladies have been nice to each other--maybe too nice. Even Omarosa is behaving herself. According to next week's teaser, Empresario's team spirit might help them edge out the guys, who are hurtling towards a major meltdown fueled by Baldwin v. Morgan and Morgan v. Pastore. With Simmons gone and Baldwin's behavior becoming increasingly bizarre, I'm not sure who the front runners are any more. I guess we'll find out soon enough!

Friday, January 11, 2008

Celebrity Apprentice: Episode Two

Wow. The women really blew it again last night. I can't believe they decided against the celebrity angle even after last week's hot dog debacle. At first, it seemed like Empresario had a leg up on the guys, given Nely Galan's extensive TV background. I don't give her much credit for The Swan, but she was also the head of Telemundo for a long time. She made the right move by meeting with the Purina executive, but things when off the rails from there. 

I guess Gene Simmons has never watched this show before, because not meeting with a client usually winds up to be a bad move. Simmons made another blunder when he offended Ivanka by refusing to answer her question and then warning her not to reveal Hydra's strategy to her "sisters" on the other team. That's bound to come back to haunt him in later episodes. He seems to think that all women are part of some kind of sisterhood of the traveling pants. 


In fact, Simmons' overall leadership style leaves a lot to be desired. Sure, it's important for a project leader to take charge and make decisions, but he could have spent a little more time explaining the reasoning behind those decisions. For example, rather than simply ordering Stephen Baldwin back inside the studio after the failed attempt at filming on the sidewalk, he could have quickly explained that it would be easier to control the situation indoors. 

Both Baldwin and Simmons could have handled the whole editing room situation more smoothly. Of course, Hydra never would have met the midnight deadline if  the whole team had crammed into the tiny  room to add their two cents. But once again, a little explanation would have gone a long way to assuage the other guys. Tito, in particular, seemed weirdly upset about not being allowed in. I guess that's the problem when you have a bunch of people who run their own little fiefdoms on one team: Everyone wants to be in charge. So why not acknowledge that fact and explain why not everyone could participate in the editing process? Or agree to let them see the commercial once it's done?

Galan, for her part, suffers from blind self-confidence. She was so sure that her idea was fabulous that she didn't think about the bigger picture or even the details, like the quality of the actors in the commercial. The actress playing the "former beauty queen" seemed slightly repulsed by her "adopted" dog and sounded wooden during her rehearsals with Marilu Henner. Where did they find that lady? I have no idea why they didn't just shoot Marilu and Carol Alt cuddling with dogs. Will Empresario ever learn that celebrity sells? 

I can't decide whose presentation to the Donald and the Purina executive was more absurd. Simmons' little rant about the Art of War was laughable. And I can't believe Piers Morgan actually corrected Simmons' pronunciation of Sun Tzu's name in front of everyone at the meeting! Sure, Simmons had it coming, but Morgan should know better than to embarrass a teammate in front of a client. He's anything but loyal. Galan, for her part, made it obvious that she had spread herself too thin by developing a radio spot and an online strategy for the ad when all Purina asked for was a 30 second TV commercial. I can forgive Simmons' bizarre behavior to some extent (he is a faded rock star after all), but I expected more from a seasoned executive like Galan.

Despite Simmons' obnoxious antics, Hydra did wind up producing a much better product. Lennox Lewis really sold the commercial. He was just as adorable as his puppy co-star. And the Trace Adkins voice over sounded great. In stark contrast, the talking dog voice over at the beginning of Empresario's ad was lame and unprofessional and the actors were unremarkable. As the Donald pointed out in the boardroom, it was also a big mistake not to use Marilu Henner's face at the end of the spot. I'm not surprised Hydra one once again.

As for the boardroom, it was one of the most painful I've seen. Poor Nadia Comaneci! She clearly deserved to go, but she seemed like a scared little girl sitting there at the boardroom table.  The worst part was when she mentioned that she was waiting to lead an athletic event and the Donald basically told her that she should get over the whole athletic thing because she's too old. Brutal! For a second, I thought that the guest judge from Macy's was going to cry. I have no idea why Galan brought Carol Alt into the boardroom instead of Marilu Henner, who clearly did a poor job with the actors. It might have something to do with the fact that, besides Alt, she's probably the best-known celebrity on the ladies' team, which will probably work to her advantage. 

The most shocking part of the whole episode was the sassy French cheerleader uniform that Omarosa wore to the initial meeting with the Purina executive. It's obvious that she hired some sort of stylist to put together statement outfits for each episode, like last week's giant deconstructed gray suit. Her cheerleader skirt was so short that her underwear was practically exposed. You could tell she didn't feel comfortable because she kept tugging it down in the back. Not too professional. 

Based on the previews for next week's episode, it seems like Simmons is going to take over Empresario. That should be interesting. I'm also excited about the guest appearance by Alec Baldwin. It's hard to say who will get the boot next week, but if Jennie Finch doesn't step up soon she may be the next lady to be sent downstairs. At least the fired celebs get to drive away in fancy "executive" cars instead of yellow cabs. And they don't even have to carry their own bags!

Friday, January 4, 2008

Celebrity Apprentice: Episode One

Of course, the real news last night was the Iowa caucus, but I couldn't resist tuning into the latest incarnation of the Apprentice, which pits a motley crew of B-list celebrities against each other in the name of charity. Instead of Barack Obama versus Hillary Clinton and Mike Huckabee versus Mitt Romney, it was Omarosa Manigault Stalworth versus Carol Alt and Gene Simmons versus Piers Morgan. Who is Piers Morgan, you might be wondering? Apparently he's a former British tabloid editor and the Simon Cowell-esque host of America's Got Talent. He's also a pompous jerk. But more on him later.


As with any "celebrity" reality show, half the fun of watching the Celebrity Apprentice is catching up on the lives of the stars, many of which reached their pinnacles of success in the 80s and 90s. For example, Carol Alt has become a major proponent of eating raw food since departing the catwalk. She's slated to appear in a caveman-themed movie called Homo Erectus and a new Jack LaLane workout video, according to her website.  She even has a contract with Playboy. Lennox Lewis, meanwhile, provides boxing commentary on HBO and sponsors student chess teams. Who knew? I guess the pool of candidates wasn't too large, because there's also a smattering of C-listers such as the aforementioned Morgan, Olympic softball player Jennie Finch and Nely Galan, creator of the Swan, the scary Fox series about Frankenstein-like plastic surgery makeovers. Then, of course, there's Omarosa, who's billed as a "reality television star." She does seem to be running some kind of consulting/fundraising company in D.C., but her celebrity cred is based almost entirely on her last appearance on the Apprentice and a bunch of talk show appearances. I guess she never landed that shampoo commercial she bragged about a few years ago. 


One big problem with giving the Apprentice a celebrity twist is that, unlike past contestants, who consisted mostly of aspiring lawyer types and realtors, stars don't have to rely on smart business plans and marketing schemes. As Gene Simmons proved last night, all they have to do is pick up the phone and ask a "contact" with deep pockets to fork over $5,000 for a hot dog. Now that Omarosa's strategy to play down the celebrity angle was proven wrong in a big way, we can expect to see a lot more leveraging of star power  throughout the rest of the season. That could get old fast, especially since it's a painful reminder that celebrities have it easier than the rest of us. 

That said, the celebrities do put on a pretty good show. I loved the way Gene Simmons took control of the hot dog situation during Hydra's strategy meeting. Simmons, who exudes calm, is a great foil for Piers Morgan, a brash, offensive loudmouth with bad ideas. If Simmons hadn't stepped in, the guys would have been in the same boat as team Empresario, selling hot dogs for a buck and relying on the generosity of random passersby. Out on the sidewalk, Morgan once again proved himself to be a detriment to the team. The way he treated some potential buyers, including the Hasidic guy who offered to pay $5, was simply rude. He actually yelled, "Don't be so embarrassing," into his bullhorn and chased the poor man away. Morgan also seemed to want Simmons plan to fall through. I think he would have secretly enjoyed it if the $5,000 donors fell through. Even when Simmons landed a $10,000 sale, Morgan was still naysaying instead of actually doing anything to help out. In short, he's not a great team player.

Speaking of terrible teammates, Omarosa is worse than ever. I would say she's just playing it up for the camera, but I did talk to her at an Apprentice finale party a few years ago (back when I wrote about the show for Inc. magazine) and she's just as caustic and haughty in person. She insisted that the editing cast her as a villain, but she doesn't do herself any favors. It seems like she's well aware that she's got the least starry candidate, which may explain why she insisted on playing down the celebrity angle during the challenge, in favor of "solid business concepts" and "sales skills." It's a good thing that Marilu Henner, of Taxi fame, decided to take matters into her own hands and call some rich "contacts" of her own. Playmate Tiffany Fallon did turn out to be a terrible salesperson, but she had a good point when she said that condescending, abrasive managers like Omarosa tend to de-motivate workers. 

Stephen Baldwin, on the other hand, was a great project manager. I loved the way he kept Vincent "Big Pussy" Pastore under control when he started getting all worked up about Radio City and Rockefeller Center being the same place. Unlike Omarosa, Baldwin was open to ideas and didn't seem threatened when Simmons took the lead with the fundraising. I liked the way he told the guys to "hold up" in the boardroom when they got all cocky before the final results were announced. He also seems to high-five a lot, which is always a good thing. 

The boardroom showdown between Carol Alt and Omarosa was pretty awesome. Poor Tiffany didn't have a chance in a room with those two toughs. Though I think Omarosa is a divisive character, she does have more business talent than Fallon. Besides, as Simmons pointed out from the viewing room, Omarosa is hard to kill, "like a coch-a-roach." The Donald was right when he pointed out that Tiffany should have called Hugh Heffner to make a donation, rather than waiting to use him later. What's more, she didn't put up much of a fight in the boardroom and, as the Donald pointed out, she seemed "scared." Sure, Alt picked a poor location, but she still has potential--not to mention fascinating hair. 

Other highlights: Jenna Jameson's appearance to support boyfriend Tito Ortiz, the passerby who happened to be wearing Kiss undies, and Mayor Mike Bloomberg's less-than-enthusiastic cameo. I guess he had to show a little appreciation to the Donald for moving the show back to New York from L.A.

It's a bit early for predictions, but so far Stephen Baldwin is my favorite candidate. Carol Alt and Marilu Henner are keepers as well. And I'm looking forward to seeing more of Lennox Lewis and his chess skills. On the other end of the spectrum, Pastore seems like a loose cannon and Morgan can't be long for this world. I guess we'll find out.