Celebrity Apprentice - Episode Nine

I still have a lot of questions about Dial Yogurt. Is it really yogurt? Is it a dairy product? Can you eat it if you get hungry in the shower?

Due to the weirdness of the product (even the Dial representatives seemed less than enthused), I'm not surprised Empresario struggled to come up with an innovative campaign. Carol Alt got it right when she decided to keep it "sexy" and simple. Sure, Hydra's "Day in the life of a regular woman" approach was pretty boring, but it looked smashing. Empresario's ad, on the other hand, was contrived and nonsensical. I get the whole desert/dry skin thing, but who eats yogurt in the desert? There were too many things going on there.

Tito Ortiz didn't help matters. He was a terrible project manager, deferring to Stephen Baldwin on every decision. Honestly, I don't know why an ultimate fighting champion would step up to lead a task centered on developing a soap ad for a magazine aimed at Middle American housewives. Omarosa really should have volunteered. After all, she was telling everyone that she was tapped to appear in a shampoo commercial a few years ago. Maybe she's scarred for life because that never came to fruition.

That said, Omarosa didn't force Tito to be PM. She did tell him that she had been PM recently, but she didn't tell him to take the job. Besides, as Tito pointed out in the boardroom later on, the Big O did contribute a lot to the task. Maybe she should have voiced her concerns about the cowboy approach, but, as she pointed out, the men's wacky ideas (think Antony and Cleopatra) have paid off in the past. If only Stephen had agreed to include the picture of shirtless Trace Adkins! Redbook readers would have bought the soap based on that fantasy material alone!

Speaking of fantasy, Carol's "raunchy" photo shoot was fabulous. You have to give her credit for pulling out all the stops for the team. I still think she's a bit of an airhead, but she knows her marketing and she's game for anything. Of course, she looks fabulous. Hydra can't afford to lose her based on that attribute alone.

Tito, on the other hand, was totally off his game last night. I felt bad for him when he spazzed out during Empresario's presentation, but come on! He didn't seem very well prepared. There's just no excuse for choking like that. If he was that nervous, he should have asked Omarosa or Baldwin to handle it. Of course, they would have used it against him in the boardroom, but they might not have wound up in the boardroom if they had done a better job of selling their vision to the executives from Dial and Redbook. (Side note: I loved how the Donald tried to create suspense after the presentations by telling the execs they were torn between the two presentations, even though they clearly weren't. Very subtle.)

Unlike the Serta executive who loved the guys' campy Antony and Cleopatra window display, last night's judges seemed put off by the less conventional cowboy approach. There were a couple of surprises in the boardroom, starting with the fact that Tito said Omarosa was the hardest worker on the team. I just can't figure out that woman. She runs hot and cold. I also didn't expect Trace to say he would fire Tito if he were Mr. Trump. He was very diplomatic, but it must have pained him to say anything bad about a teammate. In the end, the Donald had no choice but to fire Tito. He seems like a nice enough person, but he's a bit of a dullard. I thought it was odd that the Donald kept telling him how "special" he is. It seems like he was struggling to come up with a compliment.

Some highlights from this week's episode: George's face during the biting segment of Hydra's photo shoot, the execs' reaction to the resulting photograph(they need to loosen up), and the Donald's obsession with the whole biting scandal. He pretended to be shocked, but he loved it.

Hydra is clearly the team to beat. Yes, Lennox is a loose cannon, but with him and Carol as potential models and Piers Morgan's brains, the trio is unstoppable. After this week's poor judgment on Baldwin's part, Empresario's fate seems shaky, especially considering Omarosa's moody behavior. Right now my money is on Morgan. He toned down his behavior this week and seems to be recovering from his battles with Omarosa and Vinny Pastore. I guess we'll find out!

Celebrity Apprentice - Episode Eight

This may sound evil, but I'm glad Marilu Henner got the boot last night. She's a very nice lady, but she is also a bit of a flake. I had a feeling things weren't going to go well when the Donald asked her if she was ready to be project manager and she responded with a feeble, "I guess." Not a good sign.

Henner's oddly enthusiastic response to the step ladder/dolly made me wonder if she's on something. Doesn't she pay someone to change light bulbs, dust the ceiling fans and lug tools around? The whole situation was bizarre. What was so great about that thing anyway? I didn't understand why the teams were fighting over it.

But Henner wasn't the only problem on team Hydra. As Morgan pointed out in the boardroom, Lennox Lewis was hungover for the first part of the task. He's just lucky he wasn't in the same helicopter as Omarosa. She never would have let him nap during the planning session on the way to QVC headquarters in Pennsylvania. Carol Alt was useless despite the fact that she worked for QVC for five years. I can't believe she didn't know about QVC's "Easy Pay" option. She's a bit of an empty vessel. Great hair but no brains underneath.

Baldwin was a great project manager yet again. All of his years as a minister have really honed his marketing skills. Kudos to him for asking about alternative payment plans. It was also a smart move to use Trace as the spokesperson, given QVC's mainly middle American audience. I have to admit I thought Baldwin was crazy for putting Trace on air live with no script and no rehearsal. The editors really made it seem like he was going to freeze up when the cameras started rolling. You would think he could handle a cheesy QVC stint after playing live in front of thousands of fans, but he seemed jittery just before the commercial went live.

But, as always, Trace was a consummate pro. I wasn't impressed with the cordless electric sweeper in the beginning--especially since it cost something like $60--but Trace really sold it. Sweeping up the nuts and bolts was a nice touch (much better than the coffee grounds vacuumed up on most infomercials). I also liked how he switched gears and talked about his daughters' messy arts and crafts projects. Adorable! Needless to say, his voice is calming and he always seems sincere.

Then there was Henner. What a nut. My husband said the ladder/dolly commercial seemed more like an advertisement for crystal meth. I was definitely expecting her to fall off the ladder when she was pretending to screw in a light bulb. But what really sealed her fate was the fact that she yammered on incessantly, even talking over one of the customers on the phone! That's a total no-no. She has serious listening problems.

I wasn't shocked at all when Empresario was crowned the winner. The only downside was that Omarosa was on the winning team. I can't wait to see the Donald fire that nasty witch. She's a bad person. As I mentioned earlier, I was happy to see Henner go. I've had enough of her manic "energy" for one season. I know the Donald liked her as a person, but he's been letting her skate by on charm alone for weeks now. Perhaps the choice would have been a bit more difficult if Henner had brought Alt back in to the boardroom. Carol deserved to be criticized for not knowing about the staggered pricing option. But Marilu didn't even realize that until Piers told her, which simply underscored the fact that she's not much of a critical thinker.

There weren't too many funny moments in this week's show, but I loved when Piers called him a "sleepy boy" in the boardroom. I also loved when the Donald asked Piers why he was so sweaty. He might have gland problems. Of course, the best part of the episode was when Henner convinced her QVC co-host to hop on the dolly--only to drop him on the floor. Brilliant.

After two somewhat boring episodes in a row, I'm looking forward to next week's installment. Apparently, the teams put together ads that are so racy they cannot even be shown on NBC. That should be amusing. Right now I'm still confident that Baldwin will come out on top in the end. I guess we'll find out soon enough.

Celebrity Apprentice: Episode Seven

Last night's episode was painful. I'm really tired of watching Morgan fight with his team mates! But that was pretty much the only interesting thing about the show. The task itself was uninspired. Who wants to watch a bunch of celebrities call their friends to beg them to plunk down a ridiculous amount of money for a horse and carriage ride in Central Park? It seemed like one big plug for Trump's ice skating rink. I love watching the celebs for the most part, but I miss the old days when Apprentice wannabes had to rely solely on their business smarts, not their rich friends.

As the Donald pointed out, Omarosa and Morgan got off to a bad start right away. Morgan looked downtrodden during the team swapping scene. I guess he still hadn't recovered from last week's champagne dousing incident. Morgan aptly pointed out that the British had survived two world wars, but had never faced anything like Omarosa. I doubt even he had any idea what she was about to unleash. I have to admit I was starting to like Omarosa. Until last night, she seemed to have matured since her last Apprentice stint and she has had some good ideas, like the giant Croc shoe repository. But her behavior during last night's episode was reprehensible. Morgan got it right when he said that Omarosa realized she would never raise as much cash as the real celebs, so she decided to create a smokescreen by picking a fight with Morgan.

Of course, Morgan is a jerk, but he had a right to complain about the fact that Omarosa misspelled his name. She should know how to spell it by now. Instead of admitting the mistake and apologizing, she balled up the paper, threw it at him and proceeded to trash his parenting skills. That was a new low--and totally out of left field. She can criticize Piers' business skills all she wants, but there was no need to make it so personal by saying that Morgan's kids don't respect him and that he's a terrible father. Where did that even come from? I searched for a story about Morgan and his children, but all I could find was a reference to his divorce. Either Omarosa did some serious research, or maybe Morgan talked about the problems with her before they became bitter enemies. Either way, that was a terrible PR move on her part. Nobody likes people who use little children.

Still, Omarosa's strategy seemed to be working. Morgan fired her in the van even before the task began, which meant that she couldn't really be blamed if her team lost. Plus, Morgan was so thrown off that he became a target for firing as well. I actually felt bad for him. I also felt bad for Carol Alt and Lennox Lewis. Lewis put it best when he said the fight in the van was worse than his fight with Mike Tyson. And the brawling continued right up to the boardroom scene. As the Donald pointed out, Morgan just couldn't regain his composure. He looked really sweaty and tense. Adkins, on the other hand, was completely zen. I loved the uplifting music that played in the background as Adkins talked about his awesome team and what a great time he had.

Needless to say, I was shocked and disappointed to hear that Hydra had won. I guess Alt's friend finally showed up after flying into New Jersey on his private jet. But even a victory couldn't perk up poor Piers. He won a bunch of money for a nice charity, yet he still looked like he was about to burst into tears. It was so sad when Lewis begged everyone to be more cheery during the champagne "celebration" in the war room. It was a hollow victory indeed, Lennox.

But luckily, my faith in humanity was restored during the final boardroom showdown. I was certain one person would break down and go on the offensive against a team mate. Marilu seemed like the most likely target, since she's been heavily criticized in the past. But, amazingly, no one cast aspersions. The Donald had good reason to go against the rules of the show and grant Empresario a pardon. I'm glad nobody got fired or resigned.

I'm also relieved that the Donald separated Morgan and Omarosa. I can't stand another hour of bickering. I'm starting to think that Omarosa has serious mental problems. She thrives on attacking other people. After the vicious argument in the van, Alt seemed shellshocked, but Omarosa described it as "so refreshing" She's got issues.

This episode was more stressful than amusing, but there were some priceless moments, like when Jenna Jameson asked Tito Ortiz what park they were in and that funny face Stephen Baldwin made early on when he told Adkins not to question his knowledge of Manhattan. I also loved the bored look on the face of one of the women who paid top dollar to take "the most romantic carriage ride of her life" with Billy Baldwin. She looked less than thrilled as Baldwin rattled on about his family. Bring back Alec!

I'd love to see Omarosa fired next week, but it looks like Morgan is going to wind up on the chopping block again. I doubt he's long for this world. It's hard to say who will go all the way. Trace Adkins was a great project manager, but he may not be aggressive enough to make it to the end. Henner may make it to the final three purely because people like her, but she's too scattered to last much longer than that. Lewis, for his part, is a terrible project manager. And though I like Tito Ortiz, he's a bit of a meathead. He and Jameson certainly make a perfect couple. Assuming Omarosa and Morgan get picked off in the next two episodes, that leaves Alt and Baldwin. Right now, my money's on the minister.

Celebrity Apprentice: Episode 6

I blame Vera Wang for misleading the women last night. There's nothing worse than a client--or a boss, for that matter--who doesn't know what she wants. She seemed totally jazzed when the ladies mentioned using one of her gowns. I believe she said something like, "That would be GREAT!" Then she tells the other team that the Vera Wang brand is now known for much more than bridal wear. Oh, really? What else is it known for? Mattresses? Who cares about having a mattress created by a clothing designer? You're putting sheets on them anyway! I'm still trying to figure that one out. I guess Vera never heard the cautionary tale about Pierre Cardin's out of control brand expansion a couple of decades ago, which prompted my dad, unhappy with a shoddily made belt by the designer, to rename the brand "Pierre Cardboard."

Even worse than Vera was Stephen Baldwin, who affectionately refers to himself as Stevie B. Lennox Lewis got it right when he said that Baldwin was a fool to leave the men's team because he couldn't get along with Piers Morgan. Grow up. Morgan may be a pompous jerk, but he's relatively harmless. I don't blame Omarosa and crew for being furious that Baldwin had to miss the first part of the task to go speak at a church. I recall a couple of other Apprentice contestants who missed work to observe a religious holiday, but that's different. Baldwin's speech was probably a paid gig. He really is a phony.

Lennox Lewis, for his part, was the weirdest project manager ever. As Morgan pointed out, he transformed from a fun, low-key teammate to an uptight schoolmarm with dread locks--and zero good ideas. Making people raise their hands to speak? Taking a vote on every single decision? It was totally bizarre. I'm surprised he didn't have a mutiny on his hands. Between Lewis' wacky behavior and the Hydra's cluelessness about all things Vera Wang, I was sure the guys would lose this one. The Cleopatra and Marc Antony concept was really cheesy, and the display window looked like something out of low-budget film. What's more, I'm still not sure why the guys decided to throw all those anachronistic gadgets into the mix. They really took Wang literally when she said she spends a lot of time in bed.

Empresario's "living window" had its own issues. The set decorations were gorgeous, and, of course, Carol Alt looked fabulous, but it was totally bland and cliche. Another problem was that the action wasn't sustainable. Once Baldwin twirled Alt and they landed on the bed, there was nothing else to do. At least Antony and Cleopatra got to talk on the phone, check their e-mail, eat grapes and chat with their man servant. Emprasario's little vignette was more like a 15-second commercial.

At first, I was relieved that they decided not to have Carol change into a negligee. That would have been uncomfortable. But, after seeing the Serta exec's reaction to the Antony and Cleopatra scene, I started to wonder if they made a mistake by taking the classy route. The guy's mouth practically hit the sidewalk. So I wasn't surprised when Donald announced that his vote was the deciding factor in Hydra's victory.

The boardroom scene wasn't too shocking. I liked Omarosa's attempt at seeming like a nice person by asking the Donald if the ladies could all face the music as a team united. Whatever. At least she was sharp enough to take the Donald's advice not to bring back Stevie B. to the final showdown. She definitely learned from Gene Simmons' mistake. Marilu Henner and Nelly Galan were the obvious weak links this week. Henner was totally manic. I was actually surprised by her scatter-brained behavior. I guess she got swept up in the theatrics. Galan, for her part, is a total dud. She must always have smart people working for her, because she's show really poor judgment on anything related to commercials and production in general. Plus, her voice is really annoying. I must give her credit for attacking the Donald for saying she survived this long because she's lucky. Her tenacity was impressive. Overall, though, I'm glad she got the boot.

This episode wasn't as entertaining as some others this season, but perhaps everyone was laying low after last week's sabotage debacle. There were some great moments, though, including Omarosa pouring champagne on poor Morgan's head, followed by Morgan storming out and running back in to gossip about Baldwin, Omarosa's plunging bustier and bolero, and, of course, the return of adorable George.

At this point, I have little faith in any of these "celebs." I don't think the Donald does either. But I guess we'll find out soon enough.

Celebrity Apprentice: Episode Five

Last night's episode was surreal. Before it started, I was wondering what could possibly warrant an elongated two-hour show. I wound up being riveted by the numerous plot twists and turns. 

The Crocs challenge was a mere distraction from the real action: poor Vinny Pastore's double agent scheme gone awry. The downward spiral started when Piers thought he saw the women spying outside Hydra's war room. At first, I thought his suspicion was correct. When Pastore poked his head outside the door to see who was there, the camera caught Carol Alt walking  into Empresario's room next door. The ladies swore they weren't spying, but I have my doubts. 

As Baldwin and Adkins pointed out later on, it all began as a harmless joke: the fake fight, Baldwin's phony little speech about corporate decorum and Pastore's defection to the women's team. But Vinny went too far when he took notes on Empresario's strategy and tossed the paper to Baldwin, who, by the way, is a total hypocrite. He bizarrely refused to pick up the piece of paper, but didn't mind telling Lennox Lewis to do the dirty deed. I guess Baldwin's not a big believer in the spirit of the law. 

At least Vinny had a change of heart and confessed to Marilu Henner during the cab ride to the woodworking place. The whole thing might have seemed hysterical when he was with the guys, but he obviously felt guilty, especially since the women were so nice to him. He even gave them a couple of pretty good ideas, such as using Carol Alt as a spokesmodel. Still, the damage had already been done. Henner was forgiving, and even made an Italian promise to keep Pastore's secret. Too bad Morgan didn't do the same. It was evil of him to out Pastore without warning him first. That said, I did love the way he did it, working in the women's slogan--share the love--into casual conversation to freak them out. 

I can't blame the women for reacting badly and firing Pastore, but I did feel terrible for Vinny, especially after Morgan suspended him from team Hydra right before the presentation. By that point, I knew he wasn't long for this show. The whole situation was just sad. 

As for the actual challenge, the women clearly deserved to win. The giant green Croc shoe was brilliant. I loved how it worked like a mailbox. The cardboard cut-out of Carol Alt wasn't bad either, but the shoe really made it. Hydra's slogan--wear them, share them--was catchier than Share the Love, but their receptacle looked like a jazzier version of a Salvation Army bin in a Kmart parking lot. It was pretty uninspired. Plus, the lady's presentation was fabulous. I especially loved when Omarosa gave herself a 9.5 for looks and Carol Alt a 10. What a rare and refreshing moment of humility for the big O.

It was no surprise that Hydra wound up winning this round. Finally! I'm glad Carol Alt was a good project manager after weeks of doing menial tasks and Omarosa calling her a twit. I happen to like Carol. I felt bad for her when she started crying about her brother's charity, but I thought it was strange that she would pass up an opportunity to publicize her cause. I went to the charity's website and it's equally vague. Apparently,  Tony Alt died "suddenly" in 2005. The site doesn't mention a cause of death or much info about Tony except that he was some kind of account manager for Goldman Sachs and New York Life. Donations go to St. Jude's Hospital and some random high school in Dix Hills. They might want to come up with a stronger mission statement. Either way, I'm glad the ladies finally got to sip champagne while the men squirmed in the boardroom.

In the end, Pastore was the big loser.  It was cruel of the producers to take away his chair! Of course, Pastore wasn't guiltless. He seemed to be enjoying the spy game at first, and, when he flipped, he betrayed not just Morgan, which is understandable, but also Adkins, Baldwin and Lewis. He did give the women some good suggestions, but the giant Croc was Omarosa's idea and that's what made Hydra's concept so great. I can't blame them for refusing to take him in. 

Though he deserved what he got, I'm sad that Pastore resigned. The Trumps didn't seem disturbed by the spy scheme. In fact, I think they liked it. The Donald wouldn't even comment on whether he had ever done something hurtful to get his way, so obviously he has. What's more, with Morgan gone, Pastore could have patched up things with his former teammates. On the other hand, I'm not convinced Morgan deserved to be fired. Yes, he's an immature jerk. But he's also more creative and energetic than Pastore. He's also a good leader and a good salesman. Unfortunately, after the sabotage debacle, I doubt he'll ever redeem himself. He wound up looking just as bad as Pastore. Despite his insistence that he planned to get Pastore fired up front, I think he just got wrapped up in the spy nonsense and it wound up burning him. His sweaty red face in the boardroom said it all.

This episode had a ton of great moments, but here are a few of my favorites: Omarosa's declaration that business is always personal, Pastore's adorable Croc tap dance, Baldwin's attempt to save Morgan's soul, Marilu Henner's Italian promise, Ivanka's admission that she kind of likes sabotage, and the strange attempt to recreate the Sopranos series' finale when Pastore walked out to the car. 

I used to be a Baldwin fan, but his preachy demeanor last night really rubbed me the wrong way. Right now I'm rooting for Lewis, Adkins and Henner. It seems like Morgan is on his way out, so it's hard to say who will rise to the top as the next strong leader. I guess we'll find out.

Celebrity Apprentice: Episode Four

This is getting really frustrating. I was sure the women would win this week. They seemed to have everything going for them: Marilu Henner and her Broadway connections, four great shows to promote, and a snazzy booth festooned with hats, shirts and posters. David Hyde Pierce, the star of Curtains, even showed up to help out. But, as guest judge Vince McMahon pointed out, the women simply got out-barked by the men.

Hydra got off to a rocky start. Unlike the enthusiastic Henner, Vincent Pastore seemed hesitant to step up as project manager. As usual, Piers Morgan and Stephen Baldwin spent a good part of the planning session bickering like bratty kids. I have a feeling the Baldwin brothers were a pretty combative bunch. 

Henner immediately called a Broadway friend to find out which of the eight shows up for grabs were the hottest, but the men seemed to be flying blind. They didn't inspire much confidence during the "negotiation" session either. I couldn't really tell what was going on there. Pastore said the women could pick two plays, then reneged on the offer. The rest of the negotiation seemed to consist of Omarosa whispering in Henner's ear while Pastore and Lewis complained about them being too slow. Then Omarosa simply picked the shows she wanted and everyone ran out of the room. 

Besides Spamalot, I'm not even sure what plays they were promoting. While the ladies were rounding up swag to decorate their ticket booth, Morgan and Baldwin continued to squabble back in the war room, with Morgan referring to his on-again, off-again nemesis as a "shallow little man." I can't tell if these two love each other or hate each other. 

Either way, they certainly made up for their bad behavior once they hit the streets. I hate to admit it, but Morgan did a great job attracting customers even though he's not a real celebrity. He deserves credit for donning the ridiculous King Arthur costume and for calling Richard Branson for a donation. Baldwin, meanwhile, is a natural with a bullhorn. These two fools definitely make a good sales team. I also loved Pastore's speech about his Sopranos-style management philosophy. His "bada bing, bada boom" leadership style wasn't exactly nuanced, but it seemed to work. 

Even though Morgan can be annoying, I'd take him over Nelly Galan any day. She really grates on my nerves, with her high-pitched squealing, her scratchy voice and her insistence that she's a star. That said, she did redeem herself by raking in quite a bit of cash from her high-powered friends. She also made an interesting point when she said that women are more hesitant than men when it comes to asking people for money. It's a good thing she resisted that instinct this time around, or the women would have been in even deeper trouble.

The same can't be said for Carol Alt or Jennie Finch. I'm tired of hearing those two whine about being relegated to menial tasks. Finch should have put on her softball uniform and grabbed a bullhorn. I'm sure that would have drummed up some attention. As for Alt, she's more likely to be noticed on the street than faux celeb Omarosa, yet she agreed to be the "accountant." Lame. 

Still, I was convinced that Empresario had a leg up, so I was surprised when the final results were announced in the boardroom: The ladies lost by a slim margin of less than $1,300 bucks. If only Galan's friends hadn't gotten stuck in traffic, Empresario might have won at last. Instead, it was back to the boardroom. I felt bad for poor Henner, though I do agree with McMahon that she didn't make the most of David Hyde Pierce and the other celebrities during the task. As Baldwin aptly noted, generating sales volume of regular-priced tickets was just as important as reeling in big spenders.

Not surprisingly, the ladies didn't take the news well. Henner immediately blamed the loss on the fact that the men have more star power, and Omarosa made that catty remark about Morgan being dressed up like a clown. I loved how indignant Morgan was, insisting that King Arthur was not a clown. I guess Omarosa doesn't realize how much the Brits love their royals. Besides, Hydra's willingness to embarrass themselves and pull out all the stops is what makes them winners. From the beginning, Omarosa has insisted on playing down the celebrity angle. Obviously that strategy is not working.

Despite Henner's shortcomings as project manager, she's still one of the strongest women on the team. Galan was wrong to suggest that Henner should be fired, but she did get it right when she said that there are too many good "workers" on the women's team, and not enough leaders. Finch's argument that Empresario didn't have room for any more strong voices was weak. A good leader knows when to step up and when to let other people take charge. Finch has never taken the lead on anything. Alt isn't much better, but I think it's part of her strategy. I agreed with Omarosa's take that the former supermodel seems to be deliberately flying under the radar. 

In the end, Henner made the right choice by bringing Finch and Alt back to the boardroom for the final showdown. I'm not sure exactly how long that scene actually lasted, but I'm glad the Donald made Finch's firing short and painless. It's obvious that she's not suited for the cutthroat competition on the show. I thought the Donald was pretty sweet to say that he wanted Jenny to remain unsullied by corporate life. Perhaps having a baby has softened Trump, or maybe he's just nicer to celebrities.

In a way, I miss the meaner Trump. This episode wasn't as entertaining as others, perhaps due to Gene Simmons' absence. But there were a few great moments, including Pastore's touching defense of Morgan in the boardroom and his speech about his cancer charity, when Lennox Lewis declared that Henner was "going to need a drink" after the boardroom showdown, and when Alt told Omarosa, "I don't care what Eleanor Roosevelt said!" Blasphemer!

Hopefully the Donald takes mercy on the women soon and mixes up the teams a bit. I can't deal with a fifth pummeling. I keep waiting for the men to self-destruct, but they always seem to recover from their petty squabbles. However, it looks like things are going to get particularly ugly between Pastore and Morgan in the next episode. Also, the teaser promised some kind of huge "celebrity scandal." I wonder what that's all about? I guess we'll find out next week.

Celebrity Apprentice: Episode Three

I have to admit I thought Gene was going to pull it off again last night. Even though he's a jerk, he is pretty beguiling. I love how he tells everyone--even oldish executive men--that they're "intelligent and attractive." When the Donald asked him to lead the women's team last night, I was sure they would win. 

With the exception of Omarosa, the women seemed confident as well. It was creepy how they all agreed with everything Simmons said, even when he told them he was leading a "benevolent dictatorship." Carol Alt just sat next to him smiling. Omarosa was clearly annoyed by that, but she kept quiet. Is she losing her edge? Or did she merely fall victim to Simmons the Svengali? 

Once again, Simmons refused to meet with any executives. He clearly looks down on the corporate world and the people who inhabit it. His second mistake was sending Galan to the meeting. I can see why those two get along so well: They both think they're the smartest people in the room. The execs seemed shocked when Galan told them she didn't even know Kodak makes printers. You'd think she would have done some basic research before the meeting. Then, instead of listening to the Kodak executives, Galan talked over them.  The result? She missed the point of the task entirely. As the men figured out, promoting Kodak's new ink, not its printers, was the goal. Piers Morgan deserves credit for figuring that out during the meeting. Sure, Simmons slogan, "It's a Kodak World: Welcome," sounds good, but what the heck does it mean?

Despite being off-message, Empresario seemed to be in better shape than Hydra throughout most of the episode. Things went off the rails quickly for Hydra after the meeting with the Kodak executives, starting with Stephen Baldwin's nonsensical acronym-laced rant in the "war room." The cheesy photo shoot featuring Lewis and Ortiz snuggling with a printer on the conference room table was also worrisome. But, of course, the biggest disaster of all was when the table tipped over, knocking a cup of coffee onto the laptop where all the promotional artwork was saved. Oops. Morgan blamed the whole debacle on Baldwin, but a quick review shows that the table actually lurched when Ortiz and Lewis tried to climb off it at the same time. But the damage was done. Kudos to Trace Adkins for trying to calm down his teammates, telling them to stop running around and freaking out. He's a nice foil for the high-strung, pessimistic Morgan.

Needless to say, Hydra's presentation was amateurish at best. The "ink revolution" message was great, but the signs looked tacky and at least one was falling down! I agree with Jim Cramer's assessment that the AirStream trailer looked more like a dumpster. Empresario's presentation, on the other hand, was fabulous, from the sleek signage to the red carpet to the life-size cardboard cut-outs of Simmons and his crew. As Omarosa pointed out, Simmons is a charming and convincing salesperson. He's almost as convincing as Tom Cruise in his Scientology indoctrination video. I thought Empresario was destined to win.

I'm glad they didn't. Sure, Gene Simmons is a fascinating character. He wears sunglasses at night, after all. But, like Nadia Comaneci, he was practically begging to be fired. Either he was sick of being on the show and wanted to get the boot, or he's actually delusional enough to think that the Donald would choose him over Omarosa and Jennie Finch, neither of whom contributed directly to the loss. Galan had much more cause to be fired--or at least hauled back in for the final showdown. I guess all that time she spent letting Simmons tickle her paid off. 

The final showdown was pretty lame, since we already knew what was going to happen. The best part was Jim Cramer's impassioned performance. I'm not a huge Cramer fan, and his stock picks leave a lot to be desired, but I love how he told the Donald that Gene's decision to bring back Omarosa and Finch was "frankly...insolence to you Mr. Trump." After the final showdown, Cramer looked like he was about to cry, saying, "I can't believe what I just saw." 

Other highlights of this week's episode: When Carol Alt told Nelly Gupta to "sniff 'em in" when she was crying. I'm totally using that. Alec Baldwin's brilliant cameo, during which he said that "there's no one more full of crap than Stephen" and that he was so excited about Kodak's low-cost ink that he needed to sit down. Piers Morgan's mean, but true, comparison of Stephen and Alec Baldwin. Ortiz's shiny pinstripe suit. The green room commentary by the winning team. And Trump's mute assistant who sits outside the boardroom. Apparently, NBC doesn't feel like paying her to say, "Mr. Trump is ready to see you now."

To be sure, the show won't be as interesting without Mr. Simmons. I'll especially miss trying to figure out who has the more fascinating hair style: Gene or the Donald? At least we still have Carol's flowing locks to admire. But other characters have taken an interesting turn. At first, Morgan seemed completely useless, but he was largely responsible for last night's win. Meanwhile, Galan, who looks good on paper, doesn't seem to have a clue. If the ladies lose again next week, she's first in line to get canned. I'm curious to see if Galan and Alt have a showdown at some point. So far, the ladies have been nice to each other--maybe too nice. Even Omarosa is behaving herself. According to next week's teaser, Empresario's team spirit might help them edge out the guys, who are hurtling towards a major meltdown fueled by Baldwin v. Morgan and Morgan v. Pastore. With Simmons gone and Baldwin's behavior becoming increasingly bizarre, I'm not sure who the front runners are any more. I guess we'll find out soon enough!